I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize