I wanna passion pit in your ass
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize