I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
