nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
