im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
