The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize