yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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