John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize