dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
