I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
