I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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