then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
