Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We have started to decorate penises.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Randomize
