I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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