Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
