I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
