it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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