you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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