I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
