When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
