Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
