I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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