im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
