you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize