Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
