I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
