I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
