Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
