i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
then he tried to convert me to islam
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
