The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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