Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
