I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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