A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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