Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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