my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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