rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
