I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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