there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
