I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
