I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dear god my vagina.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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