so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
