mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
