every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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