i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
