Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
