first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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