Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
