She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
