I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
