Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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