Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
