I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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