And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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