Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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