So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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