these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
