Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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