So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
