Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
