phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
